Beautiful and Lost
by I-believe-in-always
Summary: I let my imagination run with this one; it's my take on what could have happened at the conclusion of Always, when Esposito and Ryan went their separate ways. This is my first fanfic, please let me know what you think : Thanks to macahol84 for checking this out and giving me advice! The inspiration for this song is loosely based on the song Beautiful and Lost by Ron Pope.
1. Chapter One

Lanie sank down onto her couch and moaned in pleasure. After working a twelve-hour day, all she wanted to do was relax with a glass of wine, listen to some mellow music and take a hot bath.

Her eyes were just closing with the promise of a nap before dinner when she suddenly sat bolt upright, mind in overdrive.

"I should have gone to the 12th today," she gasped, "haven't seen my girl in ages! Or the boys! Where's my phone…?"

Her eyes perused her apartment for her bag, and they finally fell upon it where it lay on the floor by the front door. Swinging her legs off the couch, Lanie pushed herself upright and wandered over to her bag, intending on send a message to Kate, initiating a girls night in sometime soon.

"Aha! There you are!" Lanie exclaimed when she managed to locate her iPhone within her bag. A loud knock at the door startled her and she almost dropped her phone on the hardwood floor beneath her feet. Recovering herself, she set the phone on the hallway table and made her way over to the peephole.

Standing outside her door, looking lost and alone was the last person she had expected.

Lanie opened her door and was met with the glassy eyes and tear-stained cheeks of Javier Esposito.

* * *

Jenny Ryan looked up from her book in alarm when she heard the door to the apartment slam.

"Honey, is that you? Kevin?" Jenny sat up and glanced down the hallway towards the front entrance, expecting to see her husband making his way towards her and the living room.

Kevin Ryan was nowhere in sight, so Jenny stood up and started down the hallway towards the kitchen. As she passed through the kitchen, she heard the sound of fists hitting the punching bag in the spare bedroom.

"That's odd," she thought to herself, "Kevin went in early this morning to do weights training with Javier."

Making her way to the opposite end of the apartment, Jenny became aware of Kevin speaking. To himself, to her? She was just about to say something to him as she rounded the doorway to the spare bedroom, but stopped herself. Kevin was already shining with sweat, his face flushed and contorted; whether in anger, hurt or something more Jenny wasn't sure. He was repeating three words to himself, over and over, punctuating each word with a punch to the bag.

"I had to."

* * *

Words had failed Javier Esposito.

For the first time in his life, he couldn't find the words he so desperately needed to say.

He couldn't speak when Beckett said, "I resign." _Beckett. Wait. _He couldn't speak when Captain Gates looked at him; eyes alight with the challenge of bringing Kate back. _Nothing I say could change her mind Captain._ He couldn't speak when Ryan tried to explain what he'd done. "Javi, I had to." _I know bro. I know you had Beckett's back. I know you did because I didn't. _ He couldn't speak as he walked out of the 12th precinct, away from his once close knit family, and made his way to the Old Haunt. _Beckett could have died because of me. _He couldn't speak as he motioned for his sixth whiskey. _What have I done?_ He couldn't speak when the tears started rolling down his cheeks. _What am I doing?_ He couldn't speak as his feet took him to the only place he wanted to be, with the only person he wanted to be with. _Lanie._ Javier Esposito couldn't speak when the brown haired beauty opened her door and took in his disheveled appearance, his tears and his pain. _Chica, I need you. _

It was only when Lanie had guided him into her apartment and onto her couch that he found the words he needed to say. As she made to go and get him a blanket, Javier's voice returned.

"Lanie. Stay."

* * *

Jenny resolved not to approach Kevin. She knew that whatever had happened today, whatever had gone on down at the 12th, he needed to work through it on his own. The sweat was pouring down his body and his arms were starting to shake. Her resolve was cracking, she'd never seen him this worked up. She wanted to comfort him, take a shower with him, and get him to relax. With the thought of running the shower, Jenny turned to go back downstairs. Then she heard him say her name.

"Jenny."

His voice alarmed her; it was a whisper, a plea, and a broken note. She had only ever heard this voice once before, when Kevin was telling her that Captain Montgomery had died. She turned around and saw the desperation, the pain and the anguish written all over his face. "His gorgeous face has never been this broken." The thought rushed through her mind, heightening her alarm.

Kevin held his arms open for her, and she took three steps before she was enveloped in them. Her own arms wound their way around his strong, muscular back and pulled him closer to her. This was their comfort hug; standing still, holding each other with enough pressure to reassure, never to hurt. Exactly what she was comforting him for Jenny wasn't sure yet, but she would wait until he was ready to let go.

Five minutes passed, and still Kevin showed no signs of wanting to let her go. Jenny started to pull back a fraction, just enough so she could see his face, his sad blue eyes, his lips, where she placed a soft and tender kiss.

"Talk to me Kevin. I promise, nothing you say is going to make me see you as anything less than an amazing husband and a brilliant detective." Jenny murmured into Kevin's right ear, as Kevin's arms wound back slightly, leaving his hands gripping her hips. Jenny brought her own arms up to rest on his shoulders and took a step back so she could see his downturned face entirely.

"Kevin," she whispered again, "Look at me."

Kevin raised his face and looked into Jenny's eyes. Those eyes that he couldn't bear to see in pain, but were alarmed and…_fearful? _Because of him. He needed to tell her everything.

Taking her hands tenderly, Kevin guides Jenny over to sit on the bed, where he sits facing her. Keeping her hands in his, he begins to recount the day's events.

"We've been working this murder case…"

* * *

Lanie had sat as still as a rock while Javier had told her of the dramatic events of the day. How they'd got a lead on the murderer, how his DNA was a match to that at another crime scene…Beckett's shooting, how Montgomery's house had been broken into for some files, how they'd tracked down where the murderer was staying, how Ryan had told them not to go without backup, how Beckett and himself had been ambushed, how Beckett had been beaten up, how Gates had put them both on administrative leave, how Beckett had resigned, and that he, Javier Esposito, didn't have his partner's back.

"I was out cold in this bastard's hotel room, Beckett chased him up to the roof. Chica, I didn't have her back. That bastard hurt her! She almost died because of me! If Ryan and Gates hadn't turned up…" Javier choked out, letting the tears fall freely.

Lanie had moved closer to Javier while he was giving her the details, and now found herself wrapping her arms around his shoulders, embracing him in a firm hug.

"But they did turn up Javi. They turned up and Beckett's okay and you're okay." Lanie murmured softly, while Javier merely shrugged his shoulders. Thoughts of 'what if's' kept flashing through Lanie's mind, but none of that mattered now. Her girl was safe, but tonight, he was the one that needed her. 'And I need him,' she realized, 'I've always needed him.'

"Javier Esposito, you listen to me. It is not your fault that Kate got hurt, she knew what she was doing. And you did have her back, because you went in there with her! By not letting her go in alone, you had her back. You were her partner Javi, you were her partner!" Lanie told him sternly, not letting him go from her tight embrace.

Javier lifted his head to meet Lanie's brown eyes, watching him intently.

"Do you believe me?" Lanie whispered, "You're an amazing detective, Javi."

"I believe you, Chica. I just feel so…angry." Javier started off the couch and began pacing around Lanie's living room, Lanie following his every move with her eyes. "I'm so angry! Why did I let her go in blind? I should have listened to Kevin! I should have stopped her! Now she has no job and I'm on fucking desk duty and Ryan was fucking right!" his voice was echoing around the apartment, growing louder with each word.

Striking out with his fist, he punched the wall. Lanie was behind him in an instant, holding him tightly and murmuring softly in his ear.

"It's okay to be angry, Javi. It's okay to be hurt. You're an amazing detective, an incredible friend and just the best man I've known."

Javier was still facing the wall, holding his shaking fist directly above the spot where he'd punched the gib and mortar. He turned around so he was facing Lanie instead and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Lanie…" Javier leans forward and rests his forehead on hers.

"Javi…tell me what I can do to make it better." Lanie brushes her nose against his.

And then Javier kisses her, kissing her like he's never kissed her before. Lanie kisses him back enthusiastically, hands alternating between gripping his shoulders and touching his face. His hands skate down her sides, moving to unbutton her shirt. His mouth moves to place feather light kisses on her cheek, up to her ear, down her neck to her clavicle. Lanie grips him tightly, tipping her head back to allow him more access.

"Javi!" she gasps as he slips her shirt off her back, mouth moving lower to tease the swell of her breast.

"Chica, I've missed you. I've missed you so much." Javier says softly, raising his head to look into her eyes.

"I've missed you too, god I've missed you!" Lanie kisses his lips sweetly and tugs his t-shirt up and over his head, running her fingers up his broad back.

Smiling softly, Javier takes Lanie's hand and leads her towards her bedroom.

* * *

"…then Beckett walked out with her bag, and Javier left, and it's my fault." Kevin finishes bitterly, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on their joint hands.

Jenny's left hand leaves the warmth of his right and makes it's way to cup his cheek, softly stroking under his eye.

"It's not your fault Kevin. You saved their lives. They'll understand, in time." Jenny says quietly, moving closer to her husband.

"What if they don't forgive me Jenny? But I had to tell Gates! I had too..Beckett..she would have d-died..I-I can't lose them. I can't." Kevin whispers, shaking. From the cool sweat on his skin, from exhaustion, from the tears piercing his eyes.

Jenny raises her other hand, still clasped around one of his, and brushes a kiss as light as air over the top of his knuckles.

Her warm breath washes over the slight bruising there, soothing the harsh punches inflicted against the skin, as she replies,

"Kevin, you're not going to lose them."

"How do you know?" Kevin hated how vulnerable he sounded, but he realized he didn't care. "Tell me, Jenny. How do you know?"

"Because they're your family." Jenny replied simply.

Kevin looks up at his wife and suddenly, none of it matters. Not the case, not the suspect, not the fact that the relationships at the twelfth are fragmented. He moves so fast, Jenny barely has time to react to his hard and furious kiss. He touches her everywhere, he kisses her everywhere he can reach and she responds tenderly, letting him take control. Their clothes are removed in record time and Kevin soon has Jenny squirming beneath him on the bed as he kisses and touches her everywhere that was not kissed and touched before.

"I love you." Jenny's voice is soft, delicate, and full of love. It touches Kevin's ears at the same time that it touches his heart and he kisses her softly on her neck before he replies, "I love you too, so much. Thank you."

Jenny's question is barely past her lips before he speaks again. "For being here. For loving me."

No more words need to be spoken as they move together in a passionate yet delicate dance of love; all of Kevin's anger melting away with each touch of his wife, his best friend, his lover.

_You look so beautiful and lost,  
__This is simple, this is new,  
__That's why I'm not scared of you.  
__But you're afraid in ways I can't comprehend,  
__If you're broken, I will pick your pieces up from the filthy ground.  
__You look so beautiful and lost._


	2. Author's Note

Hey guys and gals.

Originally this was written as a one-shot kinda deal, but I've decided to write a sequel, which I hope to publish within a week or so. Silvermoongirl10, thanks for the encouragement!


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